May 20, 2012

31 Day Blog Challenge...Day 20

A Difficult Time in My Life

If you are in my life, then you know that the most difficult time in my life is losing my Dad.
He passed away on June 14, 2010.
He succumbed to cancer.
I thought he would be around forever.
He said he would.
My dad was big and strong.
He could do anything.
He knew how do to everything.
He was a cowboy and a motorcycle rider.
I am proud to say that he was...
MY daddy.

My mom, my two sisters and I were by his side when he took his last breath.
He was at home.
He knew we were there.
We were touching him and kissing him and telling him how much we loved him.
It was not easy and I picture that moment very, very often.
But, I would not have had it any other way.

My mom and dad were married three and a half weeks shy of 49 years.
There were two things my dad told my mom that bothered him about leaving her and us.
One was that he wouldn't be here to protect her anymore.
And two was that he wouldn't be able to watch his grandsons grow up.

There are 5 grandsons.
I'll insert something I find quite humorous here.
My dad wanted a son sooooo bad.
When my oldest sister was born, it didn't bother him.
When my next sister was born, my dad was upset because they thought she was the last one.
Well, buddy, when I came out and I wasn't a boy....
My dad was (excuse my language)...pissed off!!!!
I was for sure the last one, so he knew he would never get a boy.
My mom told him, "Don't worry, we'll have some grandsons some day."
Well, thanks to my mom and dad,
No granddaughters!!!
All grandsons!
I always kidded my dad that he jinxed us.

At the time of my dad's passing, the grandsons' ages were 13, 9, 8, and 2.
Sixteen years ago, one of my nephews passed away at the age of 7.
(That was a difficult time for our family as well.)

There are moments that I think of my dad and my heart actually hurts.
My chest will hurt and I feel like someone just punched me in the gut.
Knowing he is not here anymore
I will see things that make me think of him.
Simple, everyday things like passing a motorcycle going down the street.
Seeing a horse on TV.
Passing a Roadway truck going down the interstate
because that is who he drove for before he retired.
My sons will do something and I think,
"Oh, Papa would have loved to have seen that." or
"Oh, Papa would be so proud right now."

There are only 2 things that even begin to make me feel better.
1.  I know I will get to see him again someday.
2.  I would not want him here if he would have to suffer.

Not only do I grieve for my loss, but I grieve for my sons' loss as well.
Papa hung the moon according to Tanman.
It is hard trying to explain to a 2 year old that their Papa went to heaven.
He just couldn't quite understand why Papa wasn't here anymore.
He thought he was coming back.

Then, for Z, Papa had been his father figure for years before I met Jad.
Which leads me to another difficult time in my life.
Z's biological father was murdered when Z was only a year old.
Therefore, Z never knew his dad and had to grow up without him.
So, Papa was his father figure and now he is gone too.

I tell my husband so many times that I want to get to the point where my grief is not this bad.
I say, "I want to be on the other side of this grief."
It hurts so bad that it physically hurts.
I sure hope one day I can.

Guess what?
Jad's birthday is June 14th.
Bless his heart.
I try real hard to make his day special,
but at the same time my heart is ripping apart inside because I'm thinking about my dad.
Not only that, Jad's dad's birthday is the day before on the 13th.
And he passed away four years ago.
When a birthday celebration should be going on, both of our hearts are heavy for the loss of our dads.

As I mentioned above, another difficult time in my life
was when Z's dad was murdered.
First, because how can someone take someone else's life.
I mean, really?
They thought about it, planned it out and actually did it.
They didn't even think or care what it would do to those left behind.

Second, my baby didn't have a daddy anymore.
He didn't know it.  He was 1.
But I knew it and I would have to tell him someday.

This is something you never get over, you just try to get through it over time.

I know we are not supposed to question God.
But Joe had been in a motorcycle wreck a couple of months before he was murdered.
He was hurt pretty badly in the wreck.
I kept asking God why He just didn't let Joe die in the motorcycle wreck.

But I know everything is in God's plan and who am I to question it.
And it wasn't his plan for Joe to die in the motorcycle wreck.

However, I don't know if I will ever know why those two losers took Joe's life.


I am linking to
31 Day Blog Challenge over at Boy Oh Boy.


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